Shadow's Plan
by Sutchi
Summary: After Shadow's frequent failures at trying to destroy the Four Sword Links, he comes up with a plan that just might work this time around. He discovers the Links' weakness, eventually giving him the upper hand in battle, but... in a way he'd never expected and dreads to even remember. Now with his villain-pride, reputation, and life on stake he only wishes to drown himself in cake
1. Prologue

I acted right away when Master was starting to reach dangerous levels of fury.

Explicitly blaming his PMS on my **very small** amount of lack of successes and **tiny, little, totally ignorable** mishaps at disposing the Four Swords.

Apparently that means,"_You're not doing your job right,"_ making sure the pig monarchy stays safe and in power of Hyrule. As if he could do a better job than me, I've only been here for less than a year. Him? A couple of bazilionmillionthousand decades and he's still in the process of killing the little kid who grabs a toy sword, puts on a pantyhose and plays hero in order to protect a castle and keep the princess, but I"m not blaming him about the latter. P.S _I'm only forced to repeat Link's fashion style, have that clearly in your heads. _Anyways, 1+1=2, which is a reference as to how I create an awesome and admirable plan which the Links manage to brutely disengage, ( giving all the credit to Vio on this one), Master gets his panties in a bunch after that and the result is...I prefer keeping my tangible shadow mass, so yeah... those four have to go a bye-bye instead of me.

So I made a rather awesome plan to destroy them and those annoying scraps of sacred metal they keep with them.

The first part of my plan was finding a significant weakness; so I had looked, or rather spied, on the "heroes" from high up in a tree bordering their camp in the forest. I then sent a horde of monsters to attack them while those selfish carefree bastards ate cake. They got separated during the ambush, and that gave me the chance to analyze them individually. All of them where weren't half-bad at defending themselves, but something caught my attention at the right time. On the border of the camp the red-clad hero with the most creative of names, RED, had his back against a tree facing various moblins at the same time. His hands were shaking, and he was probably completely terrified,(if his plate-like eyes filled with unshed tears hadn't already given that away.)

_ This is going to be __**very**__ interesting. I doubt he'll be able to win. Just look at him, so pathetic!_

Just when a monster was going to land a deadly blow to his head, Green jumped out of nowhere and tackled the monster away from Red.

_ Curious, _I thought after Green defeated the monster and immediately went back to Red to ask for his former state of being, filled with worry.

Soon after, Vio and Blue had finished with what was left of the small mass of monsters, and seeing Red crying next to Green, both of them went to check on him. I then knew what I had to do.

I reported to the Bacon King's throne room, informed him of what I'd seen, and gave him a rough sketch of my plan to destroy the so-called heroes. Master Pig agreed with me, and I put the rest of my plan into action.

* * *

**Oh yeah, hi! It****'s a little awkward to be back in fanfiction after leaving you guys hanging for more than a year. It's also pretty obvious various details in the plot have been added and/or changed, but I've only REWRITTEN THIS CHAPTER. The rest is pretty much the same until I get a little bit of time to fix the later chapters. So you've been warned, you may save yourselves form the nightmare that was my previous writing; without complaining about your eyes burning up because you decided to ignore my warning due to curiosity. The next chapter, re-written will be up by May 12, 2013.  
**

**The choice of reviewing is in your hands.**

**-Sutchi**


	2. Sanity

" Why can't I find her anywhere!?"  
I voiced my thoughts out loud, echoing through the seemingly endless, regal corridors filled with red carpets and gloomy decoration. Yet, I honestly didn't care at the moment if I was in a give-away of Shadow Mirrors or in Girahim's gay closet. I had already looked around seemingly all the first floor of the Tower of Breezes,( was that the name? Wait, do I even care?! ), and still I hadn't found her!

My plan was simple. Or at least that was what I had thought, but now…

_It's this shitty tower's fault. Why does this flying eyeball decide to make such a huge tower! It's already humiliating to have gotten lost, and I'm only on the __**first**__ floor! I swear that thing deserves to at least give me a map __**and**__ a compass of this __**effing skyscraper!**_

I sighed. This doesn't get me anywhere. Maybe I can remember where exactly I am. Let's see… Red carpet…wooden doors… abstract paintings of Zelda porn…

Nope. No idea.

So I continued walking.

Through passages, corridors and hallways I went.

_**All exactly the same**__._

I have to pass through so much trouble into finding that sorceress… plus she isn't even pretty, so why waste my time?

_To get revenge, that's why! Now move your sorry ass, and get a move on!_

…

Man, did I just insult myself?

I guess being in this secluded, and apparently abandoned, part of the castle, or tower, or whatever! Is starting to get to me.

…

Oh my godessess, I'M GOING INSANE!

Calm down… breath in … and out… and in…

_What the heck do you think you're doing! YOU'RE THE GREAT SHADOW LINK FOR SCREAMING OUT LOUD! Are you really going to let something as insignificant as a bunch of stones pilled up together get the best of you?_

I'm hungry, tired and going insane… so the answer's yes.

I would have sworn that my subconscious would face-palm itself, but considering the tiny insignificant fact that it didn't have a face or a hand… the action seems pretty unlikely.

_Look… WHO are you trying to find?_

Veran, the sorceress of shadows?

_EXACTLY! And what are you exactly?_

A shadow?

_YES! Man aren't you dense… So if you're a SHADOW, and you're looking for the sorceress of SHADOWS, what do you do?_

Uh. Look for negative energy in the air?

_YES!_

I sighed yet again.

Apart from supporting isolation, lack of food and water, and exhaustion of having walked for hours, I have to deal with myself.

Who knew I could be so annoying? Certainly I didn't. Let's just hope that by the end of this torture, I will hopefully be able to regain sanity.


	3. Dust

I highly suggest you to see a picture of Veran before you continue reading, because you might not understand Shadow's comments if you don't know how she looks like.

The giant wooden doors which I had been searching for, where finally upon me. After enduring hunger, thirst, and an annoying version of yourself insulting you round every corner, the sight made me happy.

Ok. Here I go.

I opened the doors, which where rather heavy ( even with my awesome super strength), and entered a very, VERY big room.

It was dark, dark, and who would expect it, dark. Not that I minded, I AM a shadow, and I'm pretty much used to places like this.

If you ignored all the darkness, you could see various tables with an innumerable amount of vials and bottles. Some were… strange to say the least, each filled with questionable substances.

Some were pink; some were swirling inside their containers, and some even glowed!

And apart from that, I saw HER.

She was mixing some potions together in a giant cauldron by the wall, which was boiling with shadow fire. ( YES, I DID say SHADOW fire. In summary, it's a special kind of fire that we dwellers of darkness use. It doesn't radiate light, but it still has the same uses a normal fire has. Cooking, burning, destroying, turning your enemies into ashes… the typical daily.)

From what the monsters and low rank minions have said, she isn't very social.

_No kidding. She lives in the middle of nowhere, away from everyone else. OF COURSE SHE ISN'T SOCIAL YOU DIMWIT!_

Oh. It's you. I thought I told you to go away, remember? Don't tell me you missed me THAT much.

_Oh your sarcasm is lovely. Now move on and get this over with._

For once I agree with you.

So I followed my own advice, and walked over to where the sorceress was doing who knows what.

"Veran?" I asked. She didn't even notice me standing there. Man I feel like an idiot, standing here completely unnoticed and ignored.

"Veran?" I said louder. Still nothing. I think she's deaf, or blind, or maybe even mute, but it is simply impossible for my voice not to have reached her ears.

Wait a moment… does she have ears to start with?

"Earth to Sorceress of Shadows, Earth to Sorceress of Shadows, Roger that?"

I practically screamed at her. Well, it did have its results. She came out of her daze, stood up from her crouched position, and finally regarded my existence.

" Oh. It's you"

If words could materialize themselves, her words would have been blocks of ice, because they where harsh and cold to the touch.

" Yes I know very well who I am, but thanks for noticing ( Unlike before). Soo… anything going on?" I asked with my regular doze of sarcasm.

"What do you want?". She wants to get straight to the point heh? Oh well. The sooner the better!

" I want to use this place" I demanded. She couldn't say no, so nothing to worry about. I'll just find my way back up the tower, get a piece of Gufuu's personal cake and then blame a moblin for it-

" No."

" Good. I'll come back later with… wait what?"

_Should have seen it coming._

Shut up.

" I said no. First, this is MY place. Go get your own-"

Hey, me!

_I thought you didn't want to speak to me._

What do you think that big thing on the side of her head is? Do you think she uses it to open cans?

_What?_

Plus, I think she's emo. Who wears that kind of stuff? She probably thinks she's young and pretty, which completely approves my theory that she hasn't looked at a mirror lately.

_Oh lord._

Maybe she doesn't know how she looks like, because every time she tries to look through a mirror, it breaks!

_Goddesses…_

Plus, how old do you think she is anyways?

_Shadow, don't butt in on matters like that!_

Maybe If I asked her…

_SHADOW! You don't know what you're getting yourself into! Do you even know how a woman acts like when someone asks her for her age! It's improper, ungentlemanly, and always ends badly!_

" And those are the fifty reasons why you can't use my space." She ended.

" Hey Veran?"

_Oh no. This isn't going to end well…_

"What?" She asked completely annoyed.

" How old are you?" I asked curiously.

" Excuse me!" She asked while raising a hand up to her chest.

" Well… From what I've heard, you should be dust by now… If I were you, I would prefer to be a pile of dust…because a pile of dust is **much** more attractive to look at than you."

I didn't think she would get mad at me… boy was I wrong. She didn't get mad… SHE GOT FURIOUS!

" YOU INSOLENT SHADOW! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I DECIDE TO BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR LOWLY SELF!"

She scram at the top of her lungs. I swore that little pieces of dust could be seen falling from the roof to the floor. Maybe Gufuu, Ganon, and all the others heard her from above? Could be.

_STOP PONDERING THERE LIKE AN IMBECILE AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!_

The expression of her face: priceless! Wish I could have taken a picture of it and shown it to everyone!

_RUN!_

I giggled and skipped out of the room, with the image of the insulted and hilarious expression of Veran's face still etched in my mind.

That didn't come out as expected, but it was worth all of the troubles I went through!

Meanwhile…

* * *

Veran was pissed. She wasn't happy at being called old, and unattractive; especially by that piece of filth that was called Shadow Link.

"I will get my revenge! You just wait!" she called out to herself.

She walked swiflty to a drawer in the other side of the room, and grabbed a bottle with a queer cloud in its insides.

"This should work perfectly", she thought. As Veran went over to her cauldron, with the mystery bottle in tow, she noticed a mirror on the wall. She stopped abruptly and returned over to where the mirror was hanging. Putting a hand over her right cheek she started observing her features. " I can't be ugly! I'm one of the most beautiful women in all of Hyrule and Labrynna! That shadow will pay! And I know exactly how to humiliate him in front of his enemies!" She thought when an evil smirk crossed her face, and she cackled sadistically to herself, while the echo of her fit bounced through the walls and corridors of the first floor of the Palace of Winds.

* * *

Ta-da! So… What do you think? Personally, I couldn't let pass the possibility of Shadow making fun of Veran's age! Please comment! Is it good, does it suck? Please review!


	4. Mission Fluffy

After a while, I finally got to update! :D

* * *

After Shadow escaped the giant maze known to everyone as the palace of wind's first floor, he was actually in a good mood.

_I just know this isn't going to turn out well. I mean, Shadow in such a good mood means only one thing: the world is going to end next Tuesday!_

"Calm down already! I'm only getting a piece of infinite fluffiness, of delicious creaminess, and divine flavor!" Shadow said to himself, as thousands of images of the one thing he loves the most came up into his mind.

_You're talking about cake?_

"YEAH!"

_It's just a bunch of carbohydrates stuck together._

Shadow's smile was immediately wiped of his face. "…I don't know you. Don't speak to me again."

_WHAT! But I'm you! You can't say that you don't know yourself! It's physically impossible!_

"It's not mentally impossible, and I don't want to be friends with anyone who thinks of cake that way!" Shadow's smile came back from its temporary vacation as his next thought took part into his internal conversation. "IT"S CAKE! The best thing in the whole country! How come you don't appreciate it the way I do?"

… _N-no reason why._

" Is that so? Riiiiiiiiight. Anyways, were here! Mission Fluffy starts now!" Shadow thought to his cake-hating self, as he came upon the doors that led to the Palace of Wind's kitchen.

_Mission Fluffy? What kind of name is that!_

"Something you won't appreciate either. Plus it fits perfectly with what cake means to me."

_No offense or anything, but shouldn't you finish up the remaining parts of your plan instead of stealing cake?_

Shadow then opened the doors to the kitchen quietly, and took a peek inside to check for unwanted witnesses. He confirmed that no one was in the kitchen, probably because it was midnight, and tiptoed inside.

The kitchen was very normal. With wooden counters, ranges, ovens, and all the sharp knives, forks and spoons an assassin could use for a good twenty years of service. Shadow ignored all of them,( thank the goddesses! Just imagine a maniac like Shadow causing havoc with an unlimited amount of sharp spoons!), and went straight to the cooling device that Vaati had invented to keep edibles from getting spoiled.

The cooling device, which looks like a modern day refrigerator, was covered in chains. In the center, keeping the door firmly shut was an oversized lock.

_Shadow, you should leave. There is no way you can open the door with that dungeon lock keeping it sealed._

_And just think about this, ok? If there is a lock on something it means it's not meant to be opened, right? SO DON'T OPEN IT! UNDERSTAND IT, YOU PSYCHOTIC CAKE MANIAC!_

" Guilty of charge!" Shadow responded with a wicked grin. " Plus, if locks are always placed in dungeons, why do the Link's always open them? Simple: because locks are MEANT to be opened!"

Shadow then took something shiny, with a swift motion, out of his pocket.

" Did you remember that I have a key?"

_Oh. Forgot about that tiny insignificant detail. Now leave._

Shadow completely ignored himself, and opened the lock with his extremely convenient key, and watched as the lock fell to the floor with a loud clatter.

_Shadow, stop being so thickheaded and leave!_

Shadow took a step forward and grabbed the device's handle with his right hand. In a second or two, he opened it, with the cool air leaking out and stinging his pale face.

The machine had a very vast of amount of food, each better and yummier than the next. He quickly scanned the large cold and prohibited area, until his eyes landed on the prize.

He gave himself a grin and reached out to grab the plate in which the delicious dessert was on. He took it, closed the doors, and laid it on the counter closest to him.

The cake itself looked glorious. It was of a fairly good size, and was covered with a thin, yet delicate, white icing. On top, it had a few red strawberries, and a few mountains of delicious vanilla cream on the borders, to top it of.

Shadow had a hungry look in his eyes, and if you looked closely, as his consciousness was, you could see saliva trickling down his mouth and over his tunic.

_Shadow, I hope you have a swimming suit under your clothes, because you're completely drenching yourself with drool. _

Shadow snapped out of his own imagination.

Oh. Sorry. Dozed off.

_Yea. I noticed. Now can you leave?_

Yea, sure, why not?

Shadow took the plate with the cake, and started leaving.

_Waitamomentwaitamoment. You are going to eat ALL of it?_

That's the plan!

_That doesn't sound like a good plan, now does it? Compared to how ALL your other plans miserably fail, I presume this one is going to add up to the list._


	5. Sharp Sticks

**Ne~! I came back with more randomness! ;D Why do you think they call me the epitome of pure randomness back were I live?**

**Oh, and I'm putting a line under Shadow #2's talking, okay? ^^**

* * *

Ugh…I-I shouldn't have eaten all that cake…my tummy hurts…

_Now, what did I tell you? Oh yeah, I said that IT WAS A FUCKING BAD IDEA!_

…You aren't helping at all…

_I know. I just want the satisfaction of saying, I TOLD YOU SO!_

…

_Right now, you can imagine what happened before this scene, right? Shadow ate all the delicious cake. ALL of it. Now he has a stomach ache, and worse of all: it happens to be the night where his plan takes place~!_

"Boss? Are we ready? We ready and fight colors with sharp sticks!" one of the trolls or giants or Cyclops (which ever you prefer) said dumbly yet motivationally.

Shadow Link was in front of a whole horde of monsters; behind a few trees and shrubs that were thick enough to conceal them all from the nearby camp the four "heroes" had made up for the night in the woods. The monsters, ranging from moblins to these weird wizard wanna-bees, were all either:

1. Waiting excitedly for their small leader's orders.

2. Wishing that they wouldn't have a midget as their boss in crime…or evilness… or life… if you could call it life in the first place.

3. Being dumb.

4. Especially the latter.

"…What?" Shadow asked confusedly. Colors? What in the holy name of cake are these colors this dumb brute is talking about?

"Uh…colorful colors with sharp sticks." The Cyclops\troll\giant said yet again, dumbly. Why doesn't that surprise me dear readers? Oh yeah, because I wrote the sentence myself~!

"…", Shadow just stared blankly at the monster that was very well over ten times bigger than him, and said," Colors? Sharp Sticks? What are you talking about! We are here to complete the so awesome mission I thought myself to be flawless! And in my blue prints," what blue prints stupid?," I'm pretty sure there wasn't confetti nor piñatas to break with wooden stick!"

* * *

_By now, most of the more intelligent monsters, which, mind you, still aren't considered as thinking life forms, had their full attention at their petit shadow master._

Petit? Since when do I know French? And what does petit mean, mini me?

_You heard that? I thought you'd be busy enough not to hear my narrating…_

Narrating? What narrating?

_E-Eh, n-nothing at all! And next time, don't call me "mini me". I might be you, but I could easily come out of this very black hole that you call mind, and kick your ass!_

…Hehehe…

_What?_

It's kinda weird.

_What is weird?_

That, technically, you are me. So if you kick my ass, then you'd be literally kicking your own ass!

_…_

…HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

_…Shut up._

* * *

For the monster's point of view, the little impersonation of the hero, was frozen.

No, not with ice, but he was glued on the spot with a blue screen of death look plastered on his face.

"Uh… what happen to sock hat?" The same retarded Cyclops or whatever, asked dumbly…yet again it seems.

* * *

**So~ What do you think of Shadow drifting off in the middle of the secret, not-obvious mission?**


End file.
